1. Cleaning my teeth
2. Cutting food
3. Buttering toast
4. Drying my hair (Hmmm didn’t quite work!)
5. Picking up my little one
6. Managing toilet paper (Actually very difficult)
7. Reaching for a fallen pillow
8. Using the mouse
9. Getting dressed
10. Showering
11. Opening doors
12. Cooking
13. Realising that even though my left arm is okay, everything that I do still affects my right arm anyway!

‘As Queen of the world I will expect compassion and respect to be shared among all.
 
My world will have the following rules:

• Freedom will be available to all
• Resources will be shared
• Peace will prevail
• War, as a word, will no longer be used
• Currency will be worthless
• Neighbours will share life
• Enemies will lay down their arms’

It makes me sigh to think of such a list. Our world can be tough, depending on aspects of culture and socio-economic situations and seems like a far cry from the original plan.
 
Today’s post is following a prompt from Sunday Scribbling. See here for more Sunday Scribblings.

Although I didn’t get to post for last Friday’s Fiction but here’s what I wrote anyway. I’ve edited it a little as it was prior to my surgery…
 

The theme was Use this quote as the spark for anything you want. “I’m not one for sentimental endings. Not this time.”

 
Prior to a week ago I thought that I would fancy a sentimental ending, however finding out that you have cancer sobers you up in an instant. There was a specific moment when the world felt like it somehow had changed colour. I could rationalise why everyone was going about their business while my world had stopped. Each day was in a kind of foggy limbo while I waited to hear if the cancer had spread anywhere throughout my body, knowing that any spread meant that my life was suddenly going to feel very finite.
 
I found out that the cancer appears to be isolated in the lymph nodes under my arm and am so thankful to God for the good news. I will still have to wait for the pathology results after my surgery to find out what the next step is. During the operation the surgeon will remove all lymph nodes under my arm, down my chest wall and into my neck. This will enable pathology testing of all the nodes to determine what, if any spread there is into additional nodes.
 
So for now, the ending that I am feeling more comfortable with however, is one of power rather than sentiment. Sentiment seems a wasted emotion when I need strength and focus. I need to be prepared for a fight over the next few months as I tackle the next stage after surgery and therefore am thinking powerful thoughts instead. I want an ending of good health, being cancer free and being the mum and wife that I need to be.
 
Of course the ending that I’m thinking of, is just the ending of this chapter of my life and although incorrect by definition, means the start of the next chapter.

1. My mp3 player
2. Heaps of music
3. Good quality magazines
4. New jazzy pajamas
5. Flowers, of course!
6. A photo of my little one
7. A new perfume
8. Fancy slippers
9. Comfy pillows
10. Good friends dropping in to visit
11. Yummy gluten free food (Yes, the hospital I’m going to has fabulous food)
12. Buffed finger nails
13. Access to my phone (Yes, I can still text with one hand!)

I found out yesterday that it looks like that any melanoma growth is confined to my axilla, which of course, is fabulous news! (The PET scan will only find growth not single cells so they can’t give guarantees but no obvious growth is waaaaay better than any). The only hiccup is that they have found a ‘hot spot’ in my pelvis. This could be many things.

I had another MRI today and will get the results tomorrow morning, just 24 hours before my surgery to remove my lymph glands, under my arm. Depending on what the results are, I may need a laproscopy as well. I’m hoping that we can schedule both at the same time to avoid having 2 lots of anaesthetic in a couple of weeks. Although this feels like an unwanted ‘extra’ to everything else that is going on, it could turn out to be quite fortuitous, as we would not have known about this other spot without this whole process happening.

I’m in a tough spot today. Everyone around me is very happy about the news, but to be honest, I’m finding it hard to get ready for surgery with still a bit of ‘unknown’ going on. I had so much planned for today and tomorrow but it’s just not all going to get done. My husband is able to take time off work to look after our little one so that a huge relief. He’s a great Dad and manages her really well. I really wanted to get a few things prepared for him but I will have to leave it to friends that are pitching in to help.

We do have fabulous people around us who are waiting in the wings for anything that we need. I thank God for all of you and although I find it really difficult to hand over ‘my’ responsibilities in life to others, I realise that it’s a necessity and I’m grateful for such great people to hand over to.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

1. Life is really the best when you are a girl
2. Scrapbooking is a great way to record stuff
3. A pedicure is a must
4. Shopping needs to be shared
5. Flowers can make you smile
6. A laugh will always make you feel better
7. A splash of colour can showcase a room
8. Even cheap jewelery can ‘make’ an outfit
9. A ringing phone can wait (that’s what answering machines are for!)
10. Good friends make the life journey a blast
11. You can make a home anywhere if you need to
12. Okay, manicures are good too
13. Lastly, don’t ever forget that you are a fabulous girl

Wow, this weeks prompt from Writers Island really made me think considering the situation I now find myself in. I wrote the following poem after I had the original melanoma (which has resurfaced). At the time I agonised over the inclusion of the last line as I was feeling so positive and I didn’t want to diminish that, but it seemed a bit scary. Anyway the writer in me won out and I left it in. So here it is…
 
My Constant Journey

The scar on my shoulder

I wear like medal

a constant reminder

of the battle fought

the ‘Keeper of Time’

has allowed me to cheat

the cancer in inside

has been taken away

A new chance I have

but life seems so short

I want no regrets

when the Keeper comes

I want to choose

for peace and worth

for others who need

not for stressful waste

Each day provides

a convas of sorts

to paint and explore

to mark as I choose

The canvas renews

each new sun rise

a picture by day

a restoring by night

My soul has found peace

I have found purpose

for today and beyond

there is great expectation

tomorrow may have

darker days to come

but the journey’s not complete

’til the Keeper calls.

© Katherine Smail 1999

Just a note…I almost couldn’t write it here as it’s awfully close to home but somehow it felt like it was meant to be.

I have just returned from the major cancer hospital after having a PET scan and also the MRI that I needed.

The PET scan was fairly uneventful but long and boring. I had to be injected with a radioactive glucose and then lay perfectly still for an HOUR and I can’t sit still EVER. It nearly drove me up the wall! I tried to sleep but every time I relaxed and tried to roll a little I woke up remembering that I wasn’t able to move. The scanner just made a whirring noise so it was okay.
When I got there I took the liberty of asking if they could ring the MRI department and see if there had been any cancellations to save me going back. They checked but there was only one when I would still be in the PET scanner. So I got even cheekier and asked again when I was finished and they said YES. How good was that? It means that it was all over in one day.

Mind you, the MRI is freaky! It’s so loud and makes the most amazing clunking noises which can get a little scary but it’s done now.

Nothing more is going to happen now until my appointment next week. That’s when we get the results and the surgery gets the go ahead. The surgery may be the same week.