Hmmm, this weeks prompt from Sunday Scribblings is to write about a time when I felt powerful. It’s a tough call for me to think about feeling powerful when I am facing possibly the most dis-empowering experience I will in my life, however it was a good exercise to think about all the things that I need to gather around me to keep feeling powerful. I realised that I don’t have control of the cancer in my body but I do have control of so many other things, such as:

• how I choose to start each morning
• how I treat those around me
• the words I choose to use
• my ability to pray
• the expression of my faith

So actually I do feel powerful right here, right now, even with everything that is going on. So hopefully reader, you might feel inspired to find powerful things in your life today too.

Waiting is the hardest part. It’s one thing to be facing a battle, but it’s quite another to not know exactly how big the fight is. Some friends will smirk when I say that I don’t get surprised very often, as I usually have anticipated all the options, but the particulars of this cancer certainly shocked me. When I had got the all clear, five years post my original melanoma, I had really taken it off the radar.

It’s such a blessing to be surrounded by fabulous people, some physically close and many friends around the world. Thank you to you all who have offered prayer, thoughts, support and the pledge to stand with me through this fight.

As I’ve said previously, I have to get a PET scan prior to surgery but when my surgeon tried to get an apointment, he was told at least three weeks. He raised an urgent request and there have been an amazing amount of people praying and people working behind the scenes to try to secure me an appointment earlier. We heard late on Friday that there had been a cancellation and I have an appointment at 2.30pm on Monday in the capital city. How cool is that? I will probably have the MRI at another time this week.

As I sit here watching our local football team win the national grand final, I realise that the world is continuing on, while I suddenly feel that the world should have stopped, as my heart did for just a second on Monday.

My husband and I although still really in shock, are realising that we have to make the most of each day, as each time we get into a car we might not come home and our precious girl needs us to give her life and love each day without assuming that we have forever.

On a practical note, I have a patchworked alphabet book that I had planned for our little one for Christmas which I will try to get finished before the surgery as I will lose use of my arm for a little while and then it may be a bit weak. (there’s a fair bit of sewing required LOL)

The key was on the shelf as I rushed out the door,

pulling the handle was an exercise in slow motion,

hitting out at the door which was firmly slammed shut,

holding a child in my arms and no keys for the car,

reaching to open the umbrella, to avoid the rain,

wishing I took a moment longer to pick up the key.

Today’s post is a prompt from Writers Island.

24 hours ago I found out that the lump that I had been worrying about was cancer. It is melanoma. Eight years ago I had a melanoma on my shoulder blade and apparently it has spread to the lymph nodes under my right arm, just eight years later! Apparently this can happen after many years, which is quite different to the thinking eight years ago. I was told that if I didn’t have a spread or re-occurance within five years then it was all okay.

This news hit me like a truck! After the biopsy I knew that the Radiologist was concerned as he got quiet during the ultrasound and started measuring. (Sometimes it doesn’t help to have a nursing background…) I also knew that my doctor (Thanks R) was worried when she rang about going to an appointment with the melanoma specialist that afternoon, two days prior to when we were expecting results. But I wasn’t really prepared for the diagnosis to be melanoma as I didn’t expect it to be back. I had thought that it might be breast cancer or a type of lymphoma.

My surgeon expects to do a total axillary clearance in a couple of weeks. This will be a total removal of the lymph system feeding into and away from the nodes under my arm and is similar to the surgery that girls who have breast cancer may have, but apparently more extensive. Prior to the surgery I need to have a total body MRI and PET scan to determine if I have further spread anywhere else. We have difficulty getting an appointment for the PET scan but my surgeon is trying to speed things up a bit.

Thankfully, my husband is able to take leave to look after our little one, particularly while I am recovering from the surgery. It sounds as if I will be having radiotherapy following the surgery so it remains to be seem how I will be feeling through that. I am currently researching diet related options to get myself the healthiest that I can to assist in recuperation.

So, at this point, we wait. We will know how big the fight is after the scans, so at this point I’m praying that I can get the scans sooner rather than later and that the cancer is contained.

Today I had a barrage of tests about a lump which I found under my arm. As I drove across town for the mammogram and chest x-ray I suddenly realised that the world looked a different colour as I contemplated some possible scenarios.

I know that it is possible, even likely, that it is an infection of some sort and therefore nothing to worry about, but the thought of it being anything else just pulled me up to a stand still. I had gone to the doctor, planning to hear that I was over reacting, but I was happy to go and planned therefore to reduce my stress levels for the weekend.

As it turned out my doctor is worried and organised some tests for today and a biopsy for Monday. The mammogram was a bit of an experience! The radiographer explained that a certain position was going to be additionally uncomfortable due to the fact that there was a square corner to the machine. I did laugh as she said that clearly it had been designed by a man as the manufacturer called it ’softly rounded’ when in actual fact it was quite sharp as it jabbed into my ribs as I had to enact a ‘Cleopatra style’ stance sideways into the machine. I guess that it was not much different to when during the xray I had to stand side on and ‘hunch’ a little while holding my breath and standing on one leg! Actually I made up the bit about standing on one leg, but that’s how it felt. LOL

I just have to wait now, so will make sure that I’m extra busy over the weekend cuddling and loving my little one, hoping and praying.

There’s a box on the porch,

it’s wrapped in brown,

too big to carry,

too heavy to lift.

It’s not expected,

to arrive today,

the deliverer gone,

and a trolley too.

A washing machine,

to go out back,

what to do?

how to move?

A fabulous gift,

but can’t be used,

until a trolley,

can be found.

Today’s post is in response to the prompt provided by Writers Island.

Tonight I got the chance to sit down in for a quite moment by myself, after the little one was in bed and I was home alone. I had forgotten that yesterday I had bought some really, really good vintage cheese until I was getting out the milk for a cup of tea.

It was really, really tart and crumbly and it was such a difficult wait until it had come to room temperature. I had to go and fold washing to keep from eating it too early.

Then I sat in our big comfy lounge recliner and savored each bite. There was something scrumptious about such a delectable flavour when it was too special to even eat with crackers.

It was fabulous!

Today’s writing is for Sunday Scribblings and this is my first attempt so here goes…

Am I a collector?

A collector of words? Absolutely

Of people? Sure

Of things? Yep, way too much quilting fabric or scrapbooking supplies

What is a collector? ‘A person who collects things which are separate’ according to Brainy Quote. Which make me think…are things ever separate or are all things inexplicably linked?

Being the mother of a little one I don’t have much else going on in my life at the moment so I emptied my handbag/nappy bag for research.

It contained the following:

• Wallet
• Keys
• Mobile Phone
• Hand Cream
• Spare nappies
• Nappy and face wipes
• Mail to be posted
• Spare change of baby clothes
• A couple of spare toys for distraction purposes
• Tissues
• Sunglasses
• 2 clean bibs
• 2 packets of biscuits for snacks

Hmmm, they are all seemingly unrelated items but in my life, they represent my attempt at being organised enough to leave the house at a moments notice.

So I guess that I’m a collector, of all the things in my life that I require to complete my day.
From my day to yours…..Have a great one!

As I write, my husband is driving approximately 8 hours to a boys weekend. It’s now 5pm and the evening is settling in. I’m about to pick up the car (late from it’s scheduled service and now requires the help of a friend to get it) and then to tackle the tea/bath/bed routine and he’s driving off into the sunset.

In my opinion it would seem better to get up early and then travel tomorrow, but in my husbands true nature he would prefer to arrive during the night, with a nap included, rather than get up early!

The car is filled with fishing gear and food for a weekend that is all about mates and chilling out apparently. And he’ll be right too, as this group of guys have similar interests and share technology as a hobby.

I’ve had some wonderful opportunities to spend time with some fabulous women in my life and I often wonder if boys are trying to achieve that same environment that comes with sharing life with others. I smirk though, as I imagine the topics of conversation that are likely, and the disheveled nature of boys away from planned meals and structured showers.

In his very ‘boy’ way I think that the weekend is an occasion to experience an environment without rules, if only for a time. A small chance to play out every man’s ‘dream’ of a life in a ‘cabin’, in the ‘woods’ without the ties and responsibility of families and the life they actually have.

Is it that weekends like this mean our men really want to leave our lives? No, I think in fact, that they need the structure and stability that we women, as the rock of our families provide, but they just need to let their hair down and fantasize about a ‘boys life’ every once in a while.

So enjoy!

It was a peaceful scene…

• To feel the cool, crisp breeze as it curled its way around the jagged cliff edge, swirling almost silently to twist and lift the smaller pieces of debris left on the beach by the lapping waves.

• To see a lone runner emerging from the misty dew as he sought solace in a new day, marking the sand with his footprints and knowing that his influence would be forever rewritten by the tide overnight.

• To hear the birds voicing their morning call, while their perfect pitch pierces the air before the day’s noise enveloped them.

• To reach down to brush the damp sand left behind after trying to disappear into the dunes forever.

… and it plays over and over in my head as I fulfill the many tasks of life.

An imaginary scene? A wish for days gone for now? A hope for time in the future?

All of the above but the journey of writing about ‘our beach’ gives my shoulders a lift as I stride into the day.

~

I wrote today after reading about Writers Island that friends Robin and Jo shared on their blogs. Thanks girls, I enjoyed the prompt.

~

BTW we’re feeling a bit better today! Yeah